Category Archives: inventions that can just fuck off series

The inventions-that-can-just-fuck-off series: sculpt yoga

It always mystifies me how often people decide to take a good thing and ruin it. Consider pizza, for instance. A food item that’s beloved by many and eaten in quite a few countries around the world. Sure the quality varies and what you get in a small town in Italy isn’t the same as what you get in a Chuck E. Cheese’s in the US (are they still actually calling that pizza?). But this isn’t about the quality. It’s about cheese-stuffed-crust pizza. And hot-dog-stuffed-crust pizza (yes, it exists). And bacon-stuffed-crust pizza (because we want bacon on everything, right?).

I know. Disgusting. And absolutely unnecessary. Because, really, if you know how to make good pizza, why would you stuff the crust?

Another example are high-heel sneakers. A shoe that looks like a sneaker yet features a high-heel platform. In case you are at a party and suddenly need to run a marathon, right?

But the latest – at least for me – is sculpt yoga. I tried it a few days ago and I walked away convinced than an uglier baby hasn’t yet been born (despite what that Seinfeld episode may have convinced you of). Sculpt yoga seems to be a mutant spawn of aerobics, weight training, and yoga when the three became intimate with each other either while high on meth or on Game of Thrones.

This is how I usually feel when I am doing yoga:

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And this is how I felt while doing sculpt yoga:

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But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst started two days later when sitting down became as painful as eating a hot-dog-stuffed-crust pizza. Why would anyone, a-n-y-o-n-eeeeeeee I ask you, want to feel like this after exercising:

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I just cannot with it.